Swiss producer Holggy Begg decided he should have his own project. Being the producer behind the Oni Logan solo disc wasn't enough. No, he had to subject the world to his artistic musings. The concept behind Beggar's Bride
"Boulevard of Broken Hearts" is a good one...you can't really go wrong when dealing with human nature. These are twelve songs that each tell a story. As the press release states: dealing with the here and now, days gone by, expectations, longings, disappointments, hopes and new beginnings. It couldn't be described better than that pitch. Unfortunately that is one of the only things this disc has going for it. The other is a decent collection of guest vocalists. Gary Barden (ex-MSG, Silver, etc), Marc Storace (Krokus), Michael Voss (Casanova, Mad Max) and Aino Laos (ex-Laos) all make appearances as leading singer. This is a saving grace because if Holggy had decided to puke his voice on every song, this would be frontrunner for worst CD of the decade. Yes, he is that bad.
There are bad cds out there. Maybe because the music is not catchy or well thought out or even that interesting. Then there are cds that are so horrible, so mind shockingly bad that you may feel embarrassment even listening to it.
"Boulevard" fits into this category smugly. It seems to pride itself on being a broken, battered product. The people involved in bringing this to life had to know that it was destined for ridicule. Was it some kind of inside joke? No one could possibly take this seriously... or could they?
Marc Storace kicks off the disc with
Broken Hearts.
AC/DC vocals over a poppy rock acoustic diddly song. Putrid, but the worst still is yet to come.
Footprints in the Sand mix Dorkas Kiefer and Michael Voss together who clash terribly. They go together like pickles and crushed cocoa beans - which is not very well at all. Sour and bitter with no sweetness or redemption to be found.
Ruled By Clowns is utter garbage. Holggy Begg, the fool behind the abomination now known as Beggar's Bride steps out from behind the pen of songwriting and puts himself up front as lead singer. After ten seconds of hearing him croak I came to this conclusion: Someone needs to make a law that prevents Holggy from ever singing again. Period. He sounds like he is trying to hold back vomiting every time he opens his mouth. His voice is like poison to the ear drums. Hatred burns bright for his horrid gutteral "singing". Blegh.
Light, airy, like a desert rose Aino Laos prettily pops along to
You Were My Sunshine. Cliched and saccharine and twangy in an pop/country fashion, this song is nothing particularly special but when lined up with the rest of this questionable stuff, is like a diamond in the rough. Most of this album makes babies cry but this is one of the few pieces that would just dull them to sleep.
Dreams is atypical acoustic Gary Barden. There is no spark in the song and nothing to define it other than the voice of Gary. It won't make you want to hurl so that's a plus.
I Think Its Over has Yan singing. Who is Yan? Who knows? Who cares? He has no distinguishing qualities and could be just any loser you hear whining on the radio. Maybe with better material he would fare better, but appearing on Beggar's Bride is not going to win him any brownie points. This is more pop/country... boring...
Eight Feet Below is chingy and Michael Voss sounds gargly.
First Way Out actually has an anthemic heart behind it. Storace drives it home with his piercing vocals and everything seems rather GOOD until the music gets all bent with distortion and you hear this:
"Its a train coming, coming down the track!" The cheese factor shoots to eleven and if anyone is within ear shot of this, be prepared for cascades of laughter. Ridiculous.
Tattoo-Nancy another uninspired song with Ela singing, who channels some Joan Jett/Doro kind of swaggering overtone.
The Radio is Playin' Softly I like to listen to this just to poke fun of it. Rarely do you get to hear a trainwreck like this. An abysmal curousity of Holggy barf-voice and some female singer and stupid warping effects. Everything clashes haphazardly, nothing fits together right and it ends up being a cesspool of musical crap.
Thousand Miles From Home feels trippy in a
Pink Floyd kind of way before blowing up in its own face with more regurgitating vox from Holggy and swarming, distortion ridden backing music. It kind of makes you throw up in your mouth just a little when hearing it. The crowning champion as worst singer i have ever heard... he wins! Way to go Holggy. You suck in every way imaginable as a vocalist.
The moody
The Open Sea opens up (haha) with some piano and weathered vocals from Gary. He sounds a bit downtrodden here, but even with his half hearted vocal attempt, it still ranks as one of the better tracks on Beggar's Bride. And still that's not saying much.
Below (acoustic version). Michael Voss sings and it still sucks. I hate this song and I hate this album. If this is supposed to be a bonus, Id rather someone just poke my eardrums out with a needle than revisit this.
Atrocious. Absolutely atrocious. This disc can only be hated with a potent passion. The songs are all acoustic ridden mid paced drivel. Fancy it up with terms like "desert rock" all you want... the bottom line is that this wouldn't entertain anyone anywhere, even if they had been lost in a desert for the past twenty years with no entertainment contact. The lost soul would run screaming further into the sandy wasteland than have to endure this. Holggy Begg is the worst singer I have ever had the experience of being tortured with, period. His writing skills are dull. The guest vocalists should all be embarrassed to even be appearing on here. I was just embarrassed listening to the bloody thing... another reason for the suicidal to hate life. Beggar's Bride goes straight where it belongs. To the garbage.
Written by
Alanna Tuesday, October 24, 2006
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